Last night I visited Myspace for the first time since March. I haven't been going there for a number of reasons, one being that I can't get my page the way I want it, but even with that, the way I used to want it, isn't how I want it today. That seems to be quite the mouthful, huh?
Isn't it so ironic, how we change our minds with growth? And, have you ever noticed that the people around you who are not growing, continue to never move. And, if they do, they remain in the same "old" patterns that they have always been in. One can't grow if they don't start within.
I learned to change my patterns when I kept making the same mistakes. My search was outer, instead of inner. Ah, the famous line so many use. "You can't ever love another, if you can't love yourself" Well, there is truth to that statement, but not the entirety. You can love another, just the way you are, however, loving that person or them loving you, without first cleaning out the closets and the baggage from anything that would hinder the relationship, will indeed follow you both, and more times than not, shadow the relationship.
That alone takes time. With me, I have learned that there is so much within me that is there. "There" meaning, that has nothing whatsoever to do with a relationship with the outer world at the moment. My searching went from seeking a man to finding my eternal soul mate, God. Through God as my soul mate, when the time is right, he will place me where I need to be, and I can assure you, he HAS already unplaced me where I shouldn't be!
Boundaries become set. The vision board made in which I will write about later today. With both set and made, this enabled me to understand exactly what I was searching for, and what I was and wasn't all about. I became at peace finally with this and even though I have gone through two weeks recently of restlessness. I realized that my soul mate all along has been God. It hasn't been about the one I have loved for a good while, coming to me to give me pleasure because I deserved pleasure.
It hasn't been about me, being just another lady friend on the list of lady friends, but about me seeing the reality of what is actually going on, about me loving another human being who isn't ready for me to love him, who still has a closet full of demons and who is searching for all the answers in all the wrong places. Am I the place to find those answers. No! I can only be a tool for God to help anyone receive what I have found within my soul mate, but I can't be a earthy soul mate to anyone who is still searching for all the answers in all the wrong places.
I am a submissive. Clear cut, who knows my place in this lifetime, but my submissiveness belongs to God first and always, then to me, to make the decision, as to whom, if ever, I will submit to. I can't submit unto a man, who remains and continues to use excuse after excuse, who is living his life with his fulfillment coming at the expense of more than one persons feelings. One can't go from pillow to post, thinking that they are there to give another pleasure only and this not become a egotistical road trip that is self serving and wrong, period.
Thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus! Thank you for my inner peace, my strength , my devotion, and for being the soul mate of my life to step out and pull me back into where I will always need to remain. Thank you for helping me understand this and that through understanding you, I learn to understand my vision even more clearly.
Today folks, I am very blessed.
passion ~
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